To be a person, one must have principles

“Be a person with principles.”

Private message questions are as follows:

Okay, here it is. I’ve been working in a department for nearly a year now. Besides me being in my twenties, everyone else is male colleagues, mostly in their thirties or early forties. Recently, they found out I just started dating a girl who is still in college, and they started teasing me often, all in a flirtatious tone, constantly asking me to call her and a few student friends out to sing K or eat. All of them are married, one has a partner and is still looking, and is unmarried.

The problem is: First, I don’t like mixing my private life with work, so I don’t really like them teasing and joking about me like that. I think it could damage my professional image in the office. Second, they want me to bring my young girlfriend and her college friends out to eat with a group of old men, which crosses my personal boundaries. I feel like I’m just bringing them along as companions for these men, which makes me uncomfortable.

Current situation: They’ve teased me like this several times. I’ve been vague and said I was busy or not convenient, without explicitly refusing. After all, refusing colleagues is not easy, so I just brushed it off with jokes. But it’s been too many times, and I can’t take it anymore.

Secondly, they use the excuse of helping a colleague who doesn’t have a wife find one, to ask me to bring them out. The complicated part is that this colleague without a wife is actually my boss. They openly discuss in the office, “You should bring them out and introduce XXX (the boss), don’t be so unkind, blabla.” On one hand, the boss is listening, afraid of offending others; on the other hand, I really don’t want to bring my personal friends to the company.

What should I do to make them stop asking me about my girlfriend and using reasons like bringing her out to eat or introducing potential partners? Thanks a lot~

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Today, I want to talk about principles.

One of the classic lines from TVB back in the day, besides “I’ll cook noodles for you” and “Being a person is most important to be happy,” is “A person must have principles.” We often hear many people say: “A person should have principles,” or “I am a person with principles.”

So, what kind of person is called “having principles”?

“Having principles” doesn’t mean just saying “principles” all the time.

Instead, it means your actions are consistent.

The key words are two: behavior and consistency.

1. Recently, I saw a question: Is it necessary for salespeople to be good at drinking?

Most answers are based on personal experience, and personal experience is just individual cases.

I mentioned in another question that drinking indeed helps with work, but I believe you can still choose not to drink, provided your behavior is consistent. The premise is that you accept some loss in business.

I’ve seen many who “take notes” while drinking—taking out a note with “X cannot drink, Dr. XX,” or “X cannot drink, girlfriend XX,” or “X cannot drink, mom XX.” These all represent others’ wishes. But if you are firm, just say “I don’t drink” or “I’ve quit drinking.” At first, people might persuade you, “You don’t know how to drink? Learn it.” Over time, these “failed persuaders” will help you when new people try to get you to drink: “This guy, we’ve been persuading him for three years, he never drinks, fine, just let him drive later.” Of course, you also have to bear the consequences of not drinking: you can’t blend in like those who drink, shoulder-to-shoulder, toast, and stay drunk until the end. To some extent, drinking together is like carrying a gun—both are physical risks, a kind of male contract.

2. At the end of last year, a very senior colleague in a department was promoted. I looked at the year-end performance review, and this colleague ranked last in the department. In the end, I persuaded the department manager not to promote this colleague. My reason was that, although their professional level and experience were enough, their performance was last—how could they be convincing?

Management must be consistent. This is the most important manifestation of internal corporate contract spirit.

Conversely, if low performance is rewarded with a promotion, or high performance gets a very low bonus, that’s unreasonable. Although it may seem foolish, it’s quite common in daily management. Once, a department head, wanting to earn honor for the department, nominated an employee as the “Company’s Hero of the Post,” but at year-end, that employee received the worst performance rating. That makes no sense at all—this is a lack of management consistency. To put it simply, the simplest and most effective management is to be truthful. Don’t do things that betray your conscience just for the sake of glory; such actions will definitely backfire on you later.

3. Returning to the matter of this friend.

I am not a master of rhetoric; there are many rhetoric experts on Zhihu who teach others how to pursue girls and get along with people. In my view, their teachings are more about “how to flirt,” rather than “how to be together.”

I think, regarding the singing accompaniment, a firm refusal and finding good opportunities to refuse more than three times is enough. Even if the other party is unhappy, tell yourself that this is a principle.

In recent years, I’ve always had a principle: “All female colleagues in my company don’t need to drink alcohol.” In the past, many people who had a significant impact on my work asked me similar things, like “Find some young girls in your company to sing with,” and I refused all.

After repeatedly and firmly refusing, I conveyed another message: “No matter how much I ask you to do things, I am not here to just take notes.” Having meals and drinks with buddies is fine, but if they suggest going to nightclubs, you need to think carefully.

Tell yourself, this matter has completely crossed your bottom line and violated your principles.

When faced with teasing, silence is the best response. Yes, a blank, expressionless silence.

4. If you don’t refuse today, worse things will happen tomorrow.

If you refuse today, your loss is that you won’t get cooperation.

If you don’t refuse today, they might ask you for bribes in the future; they might ask you to help launder money; they might ask you to do fake accounting. These are stains on your career.

In behavior, your principles define who you are.

I’m not someone who likes to set up a moral high ground; honestly, my bottom line is quite low.

I just want everyone to shout about “being themselves,” “listening to their inner voice,” “being true to themselves,” and even question how to do it to “be oneself.”

For you, at this moment, isn’t this the best opportunity?

Come on, be yourself. **$KMNO **$AVAIL **$ZRO **